Catvengers, Assemble!
by Bombshell1701
Summary: Oneshot - The Avengers assemble to help some furry critters, but Tony's reaction to the crisis is unexpected. Crackfic, very silly, written just for a laugh- you are warned! Features the usual roster plus Carol Danvers. Reviews are appreciate, but please be kind.


**Catvengers, Assemble!**

"Some people are jerks" Steve said angrily. His brow was furrowed with concern as he set the tattered old cardboard box on the table.

"What's up?" Carol asked, frowning in sympathy and moving across the room to him. She wasn't used to seeing him look so disappointed.

"Somebody dumped a box of kittens in the alley behind the building- in this weather" Steve said.

"No!" Carol cried. "Are they okay?" she hastily helped Steve untuck the flaps of the box and they peered in.

"I'm not sure. They're so tiny, I don't know how long they've been out there." Steve told her.

Five tiny furry faces, eyes barely opened, looked up at them. The kitten scrabbled around the bottom of the box, mewing in soft, high-pitched voices.

Carol gave a strangled shriek of delight, and immediately covered her mouth, eyes wide with embarrassment. "Sorry" she squeaked. "It's just that- kittens! I love kittens! And they're so tiny, poor babies!" she cooed.

Steve smirked despite himself, and gave himself a mental pat-on-the-back for rescuing the little guys- he would have anyway- but now he felt especially good about it.

"I wonder if there's a veterinarian around here that would could get kitten formula from" he wondered aloud.

"We probably should just take them in, get them looked at" carol said sadly.

Steve gazed out the window, to where snow was falling thickly. He made a thoughtful noise.

"I wonder...?" Carol said suddenly.

Steve looked at her.

"Do you think Bruce...?"

Steve frowned "He's not a vet, and, well... he's not really even a medical doctor"

"Yeah, but... he's probably worked with lab animals, examined them and such. He might know what to do"

"We can ask, won't hurt" Steve said.

..

"This'll help for the moment, but you need to get them to a vet when there's a break in the weather. They need formula, and they might also need worming treatment" Bruce explained.

"I cannot believe how tiny these creatures are" Thor murmured. He gently cradled a small furry body in one hand, and with the other hand, gently syringed drops of water into the kitten's mouth, helping to stave off dehydration. Next to him were Steve and Carol, nursing kittens of their own with water-filled syringes. Across from them, Natasha and Clint were also on kitten rescue duty.

"You don't have cats on Asgard, or kittens?" Natasha asked.

"Yes, we have cats, but they are much larger. Their litters are smaller, though, usually only one or two kits, and they are much less feeble at birth."

"I think those are called 'lions'" Bruce said with a smile.

"I still like dogs better" Clint said casually, trying to hide a smile of satisfaction that he and Natasha had been recruited to help the little critters.

"Dogs are fun, but cats have an attitude I admire. And they're _way _smarter than dogs" Natasha stated.

"Like hell!" Clint protested. "Dogs can be trained to work; guide dogs, sniffer dogs... some dogs can even detect certain types of cancer... what do cats do?"

"They have _us_ trained to work for _them_" Natasha said, dryly. "Now, _that's_ smart"

The company laughed.

The lift doors opened, depositing Pepper into Steve's apartment. She looked around with some curiosity at the group.

"JARVIS said there was a minor emergency, and everyone was here, helping" she said, openly concerned. She looked around at the group, and her brow furrowed.

"JARVIS exaggerated a little" Bruce said casually. "We just needed a few extra hands to get these little guys re-hydrated."

Pepper looked closer at what Steve was doing, and her eyes went wide. "Oh no. Oh no, no, no" she said quickly. She put her hands up in a placating gesture. "Sorry, I don't want to sound horrible, but you need to get those kittens out of here!" She urged.

"Why?" Natasha asked, frowning.

"Tony can't see them!" Pepper said quickly.

"Is he allergic?" Bruce asked.

"Not allergic, no. Not at all. It's just that... Tony and kittens don't mix"

"Doesn't he like kittens?" Carol asked, her face falling. "How can anyone not like kittens?"

"It's really just best if we pack them up and take them somewhere else before Tony sees them" Pepper said gently.

"I can't believe it. I can't believe that Tony would be so hard-hearted that he wouldn't let us help a litter of kittens that were abandoned." Steve said angrily.

Pepper opened her mouth to retort, but checked herself, and took a deep breath instead.

"He doesn't hate cats, okay. In fact... no, we just need to get them packed up and out. Please!" she insisted.

The group looked around at each other sadly, moved back over to the box, and gently replaced the kittens.

"There's a no-kill shelter on 3rd street. They'll be able to take them" Natasha said quietly.

"We could keep them at my place for a few days, I don't mind" Clint suggested.

_'Ms Potts? Mister Stark is on his way up'_ JARVIS warned.

"Balls!" Pepper said under her breath. "Okay, can you close up the box?" she said, gesturing to the box, which rattled and mewed. "Let me handle this" she breathed.

The elevator open, and Tony stepped out. "Did you guys start a book group without me?"

"Hi Tony!' Pepper said brightly. Too brightly.

Tony looked around the group, who all seemed to be surveying him with mixed expressions.

"Or is this the lamest surprise party ever? Seriously. Why are you all skulking around here?"

"They were just discussing doing some volunteer work at a local animal shelter" Pepper said. She stepped forward and took Tony's arm "Let's leave them to it?" she suggested, steering him back towards the elevator.

"Whose idea was that?"

"Steve's" Pepper said lightly. She encouraged Tony towards the elevator again.

"You've got a heart of gold, Rogers" Tony said. "But I don't scoop poop. The rest of you should definitely go, though. And if they need anything, I'm happy to sign a check. Knock yourselves out!"

Stark grinned, and allowed Pepper to pull him away from the group. He looked back over his shoulder to their bemused faces, and paused, a thoughtful look on his face.

"Was that somebody's phone?" he asked.

"Phone?" Bruce said, frowned.

"Yeah. Weird little keening noise. Strange ringtone, it sounds like a-" he broke off as he heard the noise again. He listened closely, wondering why everyone seemed to have tensed up.

"What is that noise?" he asked suspiciously.

The group collectively shrugged.

Tony listened closely, tilting his head from side to side, a thoughtful look on his face.

"What are you up to?" he asked inquisitorially. "I can hear that!"

"Hear what?" Natasha asked. "You must be hallucinating."

"Shh!" Tony hissed. He stepped closer to the group, listening hard. Steve leaned casually back against the table, blocking the view of the box with his body, but the mewing of kittens was unmistakable.

"Why does it sound like kittens?" Tony demanded.

"It is my phone!"Thor cried, a shifty expression on his face. He pulled his cellphone from his pocket and stared at. "I forgot that it makes those noises when my darling Jane contacts me."

Tony looked at him. "Nice try, Rumbles." he said flatly. "There are kittens in this apartment. What the hell?" he demanded. He looked around the group and his eyes came to rest on Steve. "Where are the kittens?" he demanded.

"Don't know what you're talking about" Steve said, deadpan, pointedly ignoring the unmistakable noise of crying kittens coming from behind him.

"Rogers. Don't mess with me. Why are there kittens here?"

"Look" Steve said angrily. "I found them, they were dumped inside a box and would have died in the cold. We're taking them to a shelter, so back off!"

"Somebody abandoned them?"

"Yes. In the alley, like garbage" Steve said in a tight voice.

Tony's mouth set into a line. "Let me see" he demanded.

"Ah, hell!" Pepper muttered from behind him.

Grudgingly, Steve stepped out of the way. Tony stared at the box for a moment, before unfolding the top and looking into the box.

Slowly, a look of utter delight bloomed on his face. "You poor little angels!" he breathed. He reached in a gently lifted one of the kittens out. It panicked and clung to his shirt, climbing high onto his shoulder. He laughed and cringed slightly as tiny kitten claws nipped his skin. He reached for another kitten and set it on his other shoulder. The kittens mewed wildly. "Who would abandon these adorable little guys?" he asked.

The team stood back a stared at him, all open-mouthed in shock. Behind him, Pepper heaved a sigh and buried her face in her hands.

He reached in to the box, gently caressing the remaining kittens.

"You... like kittens?" Clint asked, surprised.

"Of course I like kittens" Tony said casually. "What kind of a monster do you think I am?"

Carol and Natasha exchanged a look, and both of them bit their lips to keep from laughing. The wary expression on Steve's face had turned to one of pleased surprised. Clint looked dubious, Bruce mildly amused and Thor very puzzled.

"Why would you try to hide them from me?" Tony asked in a sullen, accusatory tone.

"Ms Potts said we had to" Thor dobbed.

Tony cuddled the two kittens to his chest and turned.

"Pepper?" he demanded.

"No" Pepper said flatly.

"Pepper?" he said again, tone gentler.

"No, Tony! You're not keeping them! You don't need a bunch of cats!"

"They're not _all_ for me" he said, exasperated. "I'll keep one-maybe two... my team mates can adopt the rest. They can all live here, of course."

"NO!"

"C'mon. We need mascots! I'll buy you a lint brush" Tony wheedled.

Pepper looked at Tony like he was deranged. Tony ignored her and set to trying to hold all of the kittens at once. Thor laughed and tried to help.

"See what you've done" Pepper said accusatorially to Steve.

Steve opened his mouth, realised he had no idea what to say, and shut it again.

"Kittens! Kittens for everyone!" Tony cried, cuddling an armful of tiny cats."So... what do we name them?"

.. .. .. .. ..

Author's Note:

Okay, this was mega silly, I know! Had the idea ages ago and decided to just get it out of my system... forgive me! It was nice to do something short and light after the heavy-duty series I recently wrapped.

If there's a mortal to the story, it's that responsible pet owners desex their pets! Also, if you're thinking of getting a pet, rescuing one from an animal shelter can be very rewarding for everyone involved.

Photo credit: I think this was drawn by someone called Elena Pugger... the picture was available on a t-shirt recently through Redbubble. I hope it's okay with the artist that I used it, I think it's fab! But if there's a problem, please let me know and I will immediately remove it.


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